AfroBeatles: Fela + The Beatles. Yoda is real.

The AfroBeatles. John, Ringo, Fela, George and Paul.

I’m sitting in NY Penn Station jamming to an AfroBeatles mash up.

I’m sorry.

What’s an AfroBeatle?

The Afrobeatles are an imaginary group from an alternate universe.

It’s The Beatles meets Fela Kuti.

In this alternate universe, these two musical icons (who, through fate, were never able to collaborate in life) create a musical journey and show us what the “what if” would have looked, sounded and felt like.

This universe contains a series of music and video mash ups of the AfroBeatles musical collabos.

Right now, I’m rocking out to Drive My Car with ODOO.

Its a mash up of the Beatles’ Drive My Car from the Rubber Soul album, and Overtake Don Overtake Overtake (ODOO) from the Fela Anikulapo Kuti & Egypt 80 album of the same name.

This is an assignment I’ve been given by Yoda.

Not this Yoda. The real Yoda.

Who is Yoda?

He’s my sensei.

I’m his student.

Digital kung fu.

Per Yoda: “If we transplant a concept of any serious value in the digital space, it will germinate and grow. But you must be attentive to it for it to initially sustain itself.”

So I’m documenting AfroBeatles.

Which I’ve just planted in all of you.

Did you see what just happened?

You’ve become part of Yoda’s experiment.

You’re in the Petri dish.

You’ll probably never experience his all-seeing eye.

But it’s on you.

No camera necessary.

You’re already a blip on his mental radar.

You wouldn’t even know how to avoid it if you could.

It’s been trained on all of us for a long time.

I. Sound. Crazy.

One day, you’ll think back on this post and be like “Oh yeah. He did say that was gonna happen.”

That being this AfroBeatles thing.

You’ll be able to point to this post and know when you were officially put down.

It may be because we took a walk down AfroBeatles Lane together.

Or because one day you see your neighbor on TV talking about their “walk down AfroBeatles lane” from an AfroBeatles concert in London.

And you’ll wonder, “how the hell did they get to London?”

I never really listened to the Beatles back in the day, so this will be somewhat an education for me.

Sure, I know a few of their songs, but I can’t say I’m familiar with their full body of work.

My “assignment” from Yoda is to document the AfroBeatles movement.

Including the symposia where the project will be discussed, the concerts and screenings taking place along the way.

Of course, you’re invited.

And I’ll gather more data about you.

I’ve been reflexively typing as I’ve been listening to this, so AfroBeatles music clearly has a creative effect on this listener.

My feet have been tapping this whole time, and I’m bopping my head.

Outside looking in, there’s a dreadlock on the train jamming to something.

Baby you can drive my car…

But if you got up close you would see me rat-a-tat tatting on this iPad.

Anyway, here’s how to formally participate in Yoda’s experiment:

1. Visit AfroBeatles.com (it’s a work in progress)
2. Listen to any mash up in the timeline.
3. Decide for yourself, the minute you finish listening it, within five seconds, whether you want to walk down AfroBeatles Lane.
4. If “yes” document your walk down AfroBeatles Lane. Read the blog, listen to more tracks, download, like, share, comment and become a fellow blip.
5. Record where you are the day AfroBeatles becomes mainstream.

Yoda predicted lots of blips.

We’ll just have to wait and see.

Oh…welcome to my world.

Let’s YO! ain’t your daddy’s ice cream shop.

What do you get when you combine flat screen televisions, branded social media feeds, table top iPads and frozen yogurt?

Let’s YO! that’s what.

Let’s YO! Yogurt is an all natural frozen yogurt franchise, known for its innovative use of in-shop social media.

They serve a dizzying array of whacked out flavors of frozen yogurt (about 80 of them), in what has to be the hippest ice cream parlor you’ll ever see.

Let’s YO! is apparently a growing phenomenon.

What started off at a few spots in 2011 has grown to over 30 in just a few years, with locations in Manhattan, Brooklyn and New Jersey.

This weekend I took my kids to their Montclair location.

It’s part ice cream shop, part hang out spot, and part arcade.

Let’s YO! is a self-serve ice cream shop, which allows you to make your own cone, cup or sundae.

There’s a big board at the start of your DIY journey, which outlines the simple steps for building your unique frozen masterpiece.

Once you’ve selected your flavors, you can add toppings.

With everything from rainbow sprinkles and M&Ms, to granola and rice crispies, it’s an ice cream aficionados dream.

But the pièce de résistance is unquestionably the iPads mounted to the tabletops through the shop.

Connected to the TV screens, the iPads allow customers to share their experience through social media both inside and out of the store.

My kids eyes bugged out of their heads as we sat to enjoy their cavity-inducing creations, and they noticed the iPads on each table.

Secured in landscape orientation behind green protective casing, the iPads were loaded with a buttload of games and entertainment apps.

The fixed orientation was great for games best played in landscape mode.

Not so much for portrait-only games.

The kids could have cared less about the fixed orientation and lost themselves in gameplay.

I was appalled at the grubby home buttons or sticky screens but I didn’t let it get the best of me.

Does Purell make wipes?

At the end of the day, Let’s YO! is a modernized take on the Carvel, Baskin-Robbins and Ben & Jerry’s scoop shops of old.

Bend over. Lululemon’s customer service fail.

Lululemon wants to see your bum.

I’ll be brief.

Actually, I’ll be a pair of (recalled) Lululemon Luon yoga pants.

A see-through pair to be exact.

This morning I heard a story so outrageous, so thoroughly implausible, I knew it was a prank.

I wasn’t watching a major news network.

It must have been The Onion.

And the story was a gag.

But as I listened and watched the familiar newscasters report on the story, I realized the story was real.

And Lululemon was making perhaps the worst customer service gaffe in history.

Apparently the Luon, a pair of high-priced yoga pants made by Lululemon, were defective.

If you bent over while wearing them (as you inevitably will in yoga) the pants become sheer and see through.

I assume your exposed pantaloons are not one of the chakras you’re trying to open.

When customers tried to return these defective pants, store clerks made customer put the pants on…

And BEND OVER!

Purportedly, this requirement for a return was sanctioned by Lululemon’s CEO, Christine Day, who said:

“[T] truth of the matter is that the only way that you can actually test for the issue is to put the pants on and bend over.”

As one reporter wrote “asking customers to publicly debase themselves is the surest way of ensuring repeat business.”

The backlash has been instantaneous and unanimous: Lululemon is bugging.

Maybe asking customers to try on a defective article of clothing in-store before you can return it is kosher in Canada.

So they didn’t fully appreciate how folks in America would be offended or taken aback.

Clearly their heads were up their arses.

Perhaps they never heard the expression, “the customer is always right.”

But whatever the case may be, Lululemon made a massive faux pas.

It’s likely going to cost them more than the reported $60 million in lost sales and revenue.

The impact to their reputation can’t be fully quantified.

If the chatter on social media is any indication, it’s serious.

Now I’m not a yoga person.

But I’ll be damned if I drop 100 bones for some friggin pants.

And if I was, and I had, you best believe that I’d have gotten my money back without trying them on.

If I bent over, it would have only been to pass gas as an expression of my malcontent – NOT to prove the pants were see through.

However, the way I would have handled the situation isn’t at issue here.

It’s the way Lululemon mis-handled it.

I’m curious to see how Lululemon makes this right with their customers and fans.

Might I suggest a massive give-back campaign?

If you own any Lululemon product you’re not happy with, even if its not the Luon pants, bring it back to any Lululemon store and we’ll replace it.

No questions asked.

No try-on required.

Lululemon, Christine Day, get at me.

I’m here all week.

I’ll be the dude in downward facing dog with my man package exposed in your see-though pants.

i-Blason Part II: Booooo!

A week or so ago, I wrote a not so glowing review of the i-Blason Power Slider Rechargeable Battery Case for the iPhone 5.

I basically said that it was a piece of crap.

I’ve blasted other brands before and never heard a peep.

So you can imagine my surprise when someone from i-Blason responded.

Not only did they hit me up, but they were genuinely helpful.

Colin, from i-Blason, offered to exchange my case with another.

Based on his assessment of my situation, he surmised that I had a bum motherboard.

After a few back and forth emails, I received my new case.

Kudos to i-Blason for superb customer service.

I promptly switched out my case, hooked it up to my 8 pin connector and was set to go.

With my new case, I felt confident that I would be able to rock all day with a full charge and my backup.

Needless to say, I was perturbed to see my iPhone at 50% less than an hour later.

I hadn’t thought I had used the phone to that extent.

In fact, I was confident I hadn’t used it at all.

But hey, I had my new handy dandy charging case, so no worries.

At 10% battery, I turned on the i-Blason case hoping to get right.

But nooooooooo!

Once again, I was sorely disappointed.

Before I had anything close to a full charge, there was no more juice.

And the case was hot.

I couldn’t accept that this replacement case was worse than the original.

So I gave it another shot.

Charged my phone (separately).

Charged my case (separately).

Plopped my fully charged phone into my fully charged case.

An hour later, I’ve got a hot case in my pocket.

Why is this stupid thing hot?

Why is my battery on my phone at 50%?

Is this stupid case draining my battery?

I promptly decoupled my precious iPhone from this obviously defective piece of crap.

I turned to the interweb to see if I was alone.

Alas, I was not.

Review after review on sites like Amazon gave the i-Blason poor marks.

Wish I read them sooner.

At this juncture, I can only say, unequivocally, that the i-Blason iPhone 5 charger case is not to be trusted.

If you’re in the market, avoid these overpriced i-Blason products like the plague.

Sorry Siri. But you suck. Siri-ously.

I was struck by a really good idea the other day, driving home.

Ordinarily, I’d just whip out my iPhone, tap a few notes as a reminder and keep it moving.

But since I was driving, I couldn’t.

I’ve got a voice memo app on my phone, which I could have used.

But I’ve never gone back to listen to any recording I’ve ever made, and this time would be no different.

So I quickly deaded that idea.

But immediately, another, more intriguing solution sprang to mind.

Siri!

Since my previous phone was the 4 and not the 4S, I never got caught up in the whole Siri frenzy.

Martin Scorsese, Samuel Jackson, and Zooey Deschanel did nothing to convince me otherwise.

But driving along the other day, I was compelled to give Siri a spin.

I just couldn’t lose this train of thought.

Sitting at a light, I pressed my home button, bringing Siri to life.

“Siri take a note.”

“What would you like the note to say?”

Dictated a few lines.

“Noted.”

And then, gobbledygook.

‘Woodfon’ Siri? ‘Fandor’? What are these words you’re making up?

No punctuation.

A few made up words.

Oh well, I could clean it up later.

Having captured the essence of the thread I wanted to build upon later, I then tried to get Siri to email me the note she had just created.

“Siri, email me my last note.”

“I don’t know who you are. But you can tell me…”

“In Siri settings, tap on ‘My Info’ and then choose yourself from your contacts.”

Seemed reasonable.

Except for the fact that I was driving and couldn’t!

Not to be deterred, I did as she asked at the next red light.

Done.

Back to Siri.

“Siri, email me my last note.”

“What would you like your email to say?”

An email dialogue, with the subject line “My last note” opens up on my screen.

Bitch! I don’t want to send an email about “My last note”.

I want you to email me my last note.

“Siri, show me the last note you took for me.”

“Ok, I found this note.”

What pops up is NOT the last note that she took for me, but some other random note.

“Siri, show me all the notes you have made for me.”

“Ok, I found at least twenty-five notes.”

Heifer, I’ve only made one note with you!

“Siri, show me the notes from today.”

“Okay, I found this note:”

Finally, we’re getting somewhere.

“Siri, email this note to me.”

“I’m not allowed to share your notes, Stephen.”

WTF?

“Siri, why can’t you share my notes with me?”

“I didn’t find any notes matching ‘Siri why can’t you share my notes with me.’”

I was done.

When I got home, I tried to run Siri through a few paces, while I wasn’t driving.

And could focus.

It was a fool’s errand.

Now, I consider myself a fairly intelligent person.

But for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out the right combination of words to get this broad to do anything.

Aside from the most basic shit, Siri was pretty useless.

And from a purely assistive perspective, Siri sucks.

There are too many things that are common parlance that Siri completely flubs.

And if one is required to go through all kinds of linguistic and mental gymnastics to make one understood by their digital assistant, what the fuck good is it?

Don’t mind me.

I’m just venting.

I’m sure that Siri is really good for some folks.

But if that bitch ever crosses my path again…it’s on.

YouTube, you’re bugging. No one is paying for your videos.

I’ve been hearing the most ludicrous rumors concerning YouTube.

Apparently, someone at Google thinks it would be a good idea to start charging folks to watch certain channels.

For a small fee, say $5, users would have access to “premium” content on YouTube.

Really?

So the site that has millions of free user-generated videos is now going to switch to a pay model?

Whatever!

You know I’m not trying to pay for YouTube.

Or any other social media service for that matter.

And it’s not like it’s Netflix (for which I have a subscription).

Where you can dial up the movie you want to watch.

And they’re movies – not videos.

But maybe that’s where they’re going next.

YouTube aspires to be the Netflix of videos?

But which videos?

Are labels going to start charging you to watch the music videos of their artists?

Bad idea.

Maybe I’m dense, but I can’t think of any scenario where folks would be willing to come off that cash for some video (when that same content was formerly free).

Sure, the freemium model dictates that you give something of value away initially to induce a later spend.

But YouTube has been free since the word go.

They blew past that incentive point – where if they flipped to a paid model folks would be willing to pay – a while ago.

Now it just looks like they’re trying to make money by any means necessary.

Or maybe they’re trying to provide incentives to content creators to partner with Google.

If you recall, a few years ago, Google flirted with this subscription video model.

They offered content creators the opportunity to set up premium channels, where they could charge users to watch their videos.

Needless to say, the idea didn’t take.

Why they’re resuscitation this obviously flawed strategy again now is beyond me.

Maybe they’re just gluttons for punishment.

Maybe it’s the 800 million YouTube searches that are performed daily.

Or the 4 billion hours that folks watch each month.

Maybe they’re trying to offer an alternative to the current ad-supported model.

Whatever the motivation, we’ll have to wait and see how folks respond.

Google hasn’t indicated when the first of the paid videos or channels will be available.

In fact, no one is quite sure of the exact pricing mechanism they intend to employ.

But I can tell you this: I won’t be paying a damn thing!

Who knows, maybe the second time’s a charm.

Mayor Robert D. Jackson, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do! (aka NIMBY)

Really Mayor Jackson? Is this how you notify residents that a public meeting is being held?

I was originally going to post this as an open letter to Robert D. Jackson, the mayor of Montclair.

I was trying to come up with a clever way to express my sheer and utter disappointment with his handling of the planned development of a water pumping station down the block from my house.

But as I started writing, I realized that I didn’t just want to blast on dude in absentia.

I’ll wait for tonight’s meeting to blast him in person.

You see, last night, I attended the Nishuane Well Project Hearing, from which Mayor Jackson (and the rest of the Township Council) was conspicuously absent.

Despite the fact that he’s my neighbor (he lives around the corner from me) and he supports the project, last night he was nowhere to be found.

And while he wasn’t there, a roomful of angry residents of the 4th Ward were.

Maybe he didn’t attend because he wasn’t aware that the meeting was taking place.

That massive industrial billboard with the fine print at the bend of High Street is really hard to see when you’re driving.

So I’d understand if he missed it – being all big and all.

Oh, wait, maybe he thought that billboard was for the meeting tomorrow, not today.

No. He’s part of the governing body of Montclair, and should know when meetings are.

So why wasn’t Mayor Jackson (and the rest of the Township Council) there?

Perhaps it was because the consultants he hired to present his plan had it covered.

Why should he attend when these guys were paid (how much?) to study the issue and present a proposal for bringing the 30 year old defunct well into use.

But since they were just hired guns whipping boys outside consultants, they really were out of their depth.

They simply didn’t have the capacity to answer some of the more nagging questions those in attendance had to ask.

They were there to present the plan, not defend Mayor Jackson’s absolute failure to get community input on the project.

So why wasn’t Mayor Jackson (and the rest of the Township Council) there?

Was it because our Councilor, Renée Baskerville should have been keeping us abreast of what was happing in our Township?

Well, no, it couldn’t be that, because she was as in the dark about Mayor Jackson’s intentions as were the rest of us.

She only saw the report issued by the consultants the day before the meeting.

Shouldn’t she and the rest of the board have received it when it was completed in October?

Probably, but she didn’t.

Unlike Mayor Jackson, last night was the first time that most of us saw any report about this project.

So why wasn’t Mayor Jackson (and the rest of the Township Council) there?

The fact of the matter is Mayor Jackson (and the rest of the Township Council) think that this project, like so many before it in the 4th Ward, is a done deal.

The public comment period is just that: a public comment period.

They’ve decided that they want to construct this pumping station at the top of a beautiful hill in (what some think is a marginal) section of town, where nobody cares.

So they’re just going to do it.

End of story.

But Mayor Jackson, that’s not the end of the story.

I’d suggest you recount your eggs.

And show up tonight to explain to me (and the rest of the residents of the 4th Ward) to my satisfaction:

• Why we need a pumping station in the first place. We don’t.
• Why non-construction alternatives have not been explored. They weren’t.
• Why the township is about to borrow $2.6 million (which the taxpayers are going to have to pay back) to finance a project to produce water for residents outside of Montclair.  They shouldn’t.
• Why we’re finding out about a project that is going to ruin the natural beauty of a bucolic hill, down the block from a community pool, elementary school and a park, all routinely trafficked by small children, at the 11th hour.  How else to get over but through subterfuge and deceit.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

There are residents angrier that I, who want to holla atcha.

But don’t take my word for it.

Pick up a copy of today’s Montclair Times.

Perhaps go online to Montclair Patch.

Or even Baristanet.

Reporters from those publications were in attendance last night, and caught an earful.

So Mayor Jackson, I’d suggest you show up tonight.

Before you find us on your doorstep.

Or your name in the defendant’s column of a lawsuit.

Yeah. It’s like that.

You’re not just going to put a pumping station on my block without a fight.

Not in my backyard.

The Record Label of the Future. Lean. Mobile. App-enabled. Social. Real-time.

Last night, I had a conversation with my mentee, Chris Anokute, the (now) Senior VP A&R at Island DefJam Records.

We’re on two different coasts, and don’t get to talk as frequently as we did when he was still in NY.

So our conversations tend to go on for hours.

Yesterday was no exception.

His label recently exercised the renewal option on his contract, and he wondered aloud, what the future held for him at the label.

At any label for that matter.

As we talked about his options – stay at the label, entertain offers from others, pool a few investors and set up his own company – the discussion invariably turned to what the future music industry would look like.

I told him that the music industry, as we know it, is dead.

Record labels are the walking dead.

Artists who are still trying to catch that brass ring, a record deal, are disillusioned zombies.

The future of music lies in embracing technology.

Period.

Any label exec, artist or producer, whose strategy isn’t explicitly tied to leveraging technology should call it quits – now.

2012 was the first time that digital music sales topped physical sales.

Worldwide, digital music sales exceeded $10B.

This trend is only going to continue.

And while the record labels are still giving out plaques for physical sales records, unsigned artists are generating revenues in the hundreds of thousands.

Without labels.

When he asked what the record label of the 21st century looked like, I told him.

And now I’m telling you.

1. It’s lean. Record labels today are bloated with unnecessary and often duplicative staff. You only need a few cats, who know their shit, to run a label effectively. A good A&R, product/project manager, marketing & PR specialist, radio promotions & street team, and a techie. Add a publishing guru, competent counsel, an anal accountant, a few eager beaver interns (for grunt work) and you’re set.

2. It’s mobile. There are more mobile phones than people on earth. But the labels don’t know that. Visit any label’s website from your phone. Universal Music Group, Virgin Records, Capitol Records, Epic Records, Island Records, Sony BMG, EMI, Warner Music Group. Not one of them – NOT ONE – had a mobile website. Or rather, not one of them had a site that was enabled to auto detect mobile browsers and render the appropriate content for the device viewing the site. If you’re going to connect with fans, you’ve got to make your site easy to navigate from a mobile device. a full HTML site on a phone is a shitty experience. Can we say “increased bounce rate”?

3. It’s app-enabled. I remember trying to convince Chris that he should drop an app when he released his next artist’s single. He told me (to my shock and horror – and I’m paraphrasing now) “apps are for established acts only.” That was the label talking – not Chris. Like hell! One thing that should accompany the release of every new artist is a free app. The app should be your personal portal into your favorite artist’s world. At a minimum, the app should include the artist’s bio, picture gallery, discography, music videos, songs, Twitter stream, and upcoming show dates. The app should have e-commerce capabilities, allowing a user to purchase a song, tickets to a show, or any media/content available for sale.

4. It’s social. Social media and music fit together like a hand in glove. Listening, discovering, sharing, liking are all the things fans do with their music. Apps like Spotify, Pandora and Last.fm let you stream music and share what you’re streaming/listening to via social media. Social media makes it so much easier to let your personal network know what you’re into and get them into it too. Labels of the future should make sure that everything they do is equipped to leverage social media to the fullest.

5. It’s real time. Labels are always whining about leaks and lost sales due to content being pirated and available to the public before its been officially released. You know how you prevent that? Make content available to consumers as soon as its ready! Artists are prolific, and production costs are remarkably low. So instead of trying to filter music before its released, release it and let the public decide what they want to pay for. Rabid fans want it all, even the crap. Look at all those Prince and the New Power Generation (NPG) albums that Warner Bros. sold. Not his best work, but you couldn’t tell Prince fans that.

The record label of the future is one that acts like a unified system, providing fans with seamless unobstructed access to the artists on the label.

In the second coming of the record labels, websites will be a one-stop shop, where you can browse artists, listen to music, watch streaming videos, download songs right to your device (and have them perpetually available in the cloud for future download/use on as many devices as you own), comment, like, favorite and share via any of your social media profiles.

They’ll rely less and less on iTunes, and as a result, see more profits as fans start purchasing digital music directly from the labels (again) and not from resellers.

Their marketing will be personal and focus on the mobile device and a primary point of entry.

They’ll operate less like record labels, and more like software companies, continually tweaking and updating their offerings to give their users the best user experience possible.

The 360 degree contract was the record label’s reaction to the fact that they weren’t recouping the bloated album budgets from record sales.

Tomorrow’s label has to be more focused on creating alternate revenue streams for the content they produce, and less reliant on the artist’s alternate sources of income.

Video games, toys, digital greeting cards, third-party apps, all represent new opportunities for labels to leverage their catalogues.

Needless to say, I’ve got opinions.

Chris and I will talk again.

And I will give him another earful.

But for now, you’re dismissed.

I hope you were taking notes.

iPhone 5 + AT&T + Nigeria = FAIL.

Never the twain shall meet.

I just got back from burying my father in Nigeria and I’m thoroughly disgusted with both my iPhone 5 and AT&T.

You see, I was originally going to buy a burner for the trip.

A throwaway phone that I’d cop at the airport in Nigeria, load up with minutes and give to one of my relatives on my way out of the country.

Simple.

But noooo…I had to get all fancy.

I remembered that the iPhone was a GSM, which meant I could use it abroad.

I had used my iPhone 4 in Cannes, France with great success.

I simply had to switch up my international plan, set up a global data plan and I’d be set.

I didn’t even have to call AT&T to make the switch because I could do it all within the AT&T app.

So as I taxied on the runway at Newark airport, I set up my joint and felt secure that I had made the right choice.

When I got to Frankfurt, where I had a brief layover, I was rocking.

I was making calls, receiving emails and texting like a champ.

I was imbued, however, with a false sense of security.

Because when I arrived in Nigeria, nothing worked.

I couldn’t make calls.

I couldn’t send or receive texts.

I couldn’t surf the internet.

Nothing.

Effing.

Worked.

Cellular data on – nuthin.

Cellular data off – nada.

Wifi on – bupkis.

Wifi off – nyet.

Every once in a while, I would get an errant text message.

Frequently, my ‘No Service” would become “AIRTEL” or “Glo Ng”.

But my hopes of cellular connectivity were quickly dashed as calls routinely failed.

And then (somehow) I got a text message that almost caused me to lop off my own head.

Due to high international data usage your data service was suspended, including in USA.

WTF!?

Enraged, I immediately called the toll free number listed in the text.

Remarkably, the call went through.

Me (icily): “Yeah…I just got a text message saying that my data service was suspended because I was over my limit. But I haven’t been able to use my phone since I landed in Nigeria.”

AT&T: “It appears that you’ve used 51.6 Mb on your data plan.”

Me (seething): “When? I haven’t been able to use my phone since I got here!”

AT&T: “Well that’s because you’re not set up for international use.”

Me (on the verge of losing my marbles): “But I did…I used the app…”

I had to stop myself.

Ol’ girl was about to have her ass handed to her.

Clearly, whatever I had done (for which I received several email confirmations), hadn’t taken.

And rather than harp on what I had already done (to ensure that I wasn’t where I was right now), I decided to work with miss thing to get my shit straight.

I was on with an operator, and she was helping to ensure that my account was properly configured for international use.

After confirming my requested upgrades, we parted, confident that I could get my dial on.

First call – the wifey. Let her know I’m set.

Dialing.

Dial assist message.

Call failed.

CALL FAILED?!!!!

It took every sinew in my body to suppress the urge to fling my precious iPhone across the room and test the efficacy of my Otter case.

To add insult to injury, my younger brother, who still rocks an iPhone 4 (with AT&T) had no problems whatsoever.

The entire time we were there, he was chilling on his joint.

Texting folks in and out of Nigeria.

Calling.

Posting pictures to Facebook.

Mind you, he reminded me that I could simply have AT&T switch up my stuff so that my phone would work outside of the US.

But clearly something was lost in translation between the 4 and the 5.

Because both my other brother, The Doc, and I have the iPhone 5.

And we were both screwed.

Now, I don’t know how many of we iPhone 5 owners travel internationally.

Or how many have experienced something similar.

But I can’t accept that stepping up to the 5 means stepping down in performance and utility.

And I’m certainly not checking for spending more money to do so either.

So AT&T I’m fully expecting a credit of $5.99 for the so-called ‘world traveler’ international calling, $30 for the global messaging, and $60 for the global data – that I never got to effing use.

And if you do plan on taking a jaunt to the continent – get yourself a burner.

The iPad 4 arrives with a whimper. But it’s better than the Mini.

Sometimes Apple really perplexes me.

I’ll tell you why.

Last month, when they announced the iPhone 5, many speculated that Apple would also unveil the iPad Mini.

Others felt that Apple wouldn’t want to upstage the iPhone with the iPad mini.

Ultimately, the iPhone was announced alone.

On Wednesday, last week, however, they announced two new products, the iPad Mini AND the iPad 4.

Few, like myself, even took notice that there was another iPad release.

Hadn’t Apple withheld the release of the iPad Mini to avoid one device stealing the thunder from another?

Why, then would they announce the release the iPad 4 and the iPad Mini on the same date?

It’s not like the iPad 4 isn’t worthy of shine.

It’s got the new lightning connector.

And supposedly it’s fast a hell.

It’s got an A6X processor and doubled the speed of wifi.

There’s also a higher quality FaceTime camera, which means you can see yourself…better?

But as many analysts have noted, it’s just an iterative change.

Well we got both the iPad 4 and Mini in the office yesterday, and the Mini is nothing to write home about.

Side by side comparison. Notice anything different?

I can say this much about it – it’s smaller.

You can fit it comfortably in your hand, like the Galaxy Note.

And it’s extremely light.

Compared to the iPad 4 (which weighs a friggin’ ton) it’s light as a feather.

But that’s about where the benefits end.

The display isn’t retina, and the difference is noticeable.

And everything is smaller.

You would think that looking at websites on the Mini would be akin to viewing on a full-size iPad, but tis not the case.

It’s more like looking at a big iPhone.

The text is too small to be read easily without eye strain, and everything is just…smaller.

The iPad 4, for it’s part is really just a blown out iPad 2.

Like it’s predecessor (the iPad 3), it’s heavy as shit.

This extra weight comes not from the retina display, the new processor or additional antennae.

It’s the battery.

Want all those bells and whistles?

Then hold this fat ass battery.

As far as performance goes, they’re virtually indistinguishable.

Watching videos over wifi, they performed pretty well.

Both loaded quickly and streamed fine.

Field testing the iPad Mini and iPad 4.

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Folks filed in to take a look at the Mini, and the universal opinion was that it was ‘cute’ and little.

And that may be enough for folks to shell out $329 for the wifi only model.

And the extra weight may not bother folks who are looking to preserve their eyesight and cop the iPad 4.

To be honest, I was underwhelmed by both devices.

For what it’s worth, I’ll pick up an iPad 2 and call it a day.