“Hey Facebook, does this shirt make me look fat?”

Hey Facebook, does this shirt make me look fat?

Note: You can file this under “rant.”

Do you know what I absolutely hate?

People who live their every breathing minute on Facebook.

It’s one of my biggest pet peeves.

You know who I’m talking about.

Troll your feed and you’ll see them.

They’re the ones with the frequent status updates.

Every Frappuccino consumed.

Every traffic jam.

Every stubbed toe.

Every <insert other inane activity you could give  a shit about here>.

And the pictures.

Loads of pictures.

They post every vacation ever taken, airplane wing, cocktail umbrella, toe shots and all.

Every shot of their kid from ultrasound to graduation.

Every shoe, seashell, snowfall.

Riddle me this Joker: why do people post multiple head shots of themselves?

Have they forgotten how they look?

Do they fear that without that same-angled-plastered-smile-arm-length-self-portrait shot, we won’t remember them?

Maybe it’s just vanity.

I mean, Facebook is a big ego-stroke.

It was designed to give its users a platform to share.

But damn!

Zuckerberg didn’t necessarily want you to reveal the most minute and insignificant detail about yourself and your every waking hour.

I mean, do we really need to know that your STD test came back negative (or positive)?

Or that your momma had her bunions removed?

And it’s not Dear Abbey.

“Hey FB fam, I just shat. Should I wipe front to back or back to front?”

“Facebook, if he’s sleeping with her, but tells me he loves me, should I stay with him?”

“I’ve got a toothache, Facebook. Should I take something or tough it out?”

Stop asking for advice.

Don’t you realize that your proclamation that you “don’t need a man!” only serves to alert the world that you are (once again) alone?

And – in point of fact – actually in need of a man?

All I’m saying is that there is such a thing as over sharing.

Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.

Yes. I live in a glass house.

Right now it’s full of shattered panes as I toss rocks at the rest of you.

I know I’m guilty of the occasional over-share or posting of frivolous bullshit.

Once I even posted a picture of myself on the throne.

Which I’ve tastefully and artistically recreated above for my loyal readers.

But I digress.

Seriously, take these small bits of advice.

Unless you’re an exhibitionist or shameless fame seeker, keep your Facebook posting to a dull murmur.

If you’ve added your mug to your Facebook album, wait at least a month before posting another. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

The multiple shots of yourself in the car, in the ladies bathroom at your job, sitting at the bar in TGIF – is overkill. Be selective.

If you’re mad at someone, tell them – privately.  Fighting on Facebook  is just…immature.

Finally, every once in a while, post about how you’re going to be taking a break from Facebook.

Everyone loooovves getting that post.

It’s a digital world. Why are you still analog?

We are a digital generation.

Our lives are inextricably intertwined to technology.

Wherever you look, there are signs of the digital era.

Think about the last major storm or natural disaster you heard about.

Mobile phones and Twitter were how most people first reported or got wind of them.

That’s powerful.

If you look at your own behavior, you’re checking your email, text messages or social media accounts on your phone.

These activities didn’t exist a decade ago.

There was no Facebook, YouTube or Twitter.

Smart phones were still several years away from being mainstream.

Or affordable.

But today, things have changed.

Smartphones, social media, texting, instant messaging, wifi.

We can’t imagine living without them.

See something interesting? What do you do?

Whip out your phone, take a snap or shoot a video and post.

Can’t remember the name of song on the radio? What do you do?

Dial up the Shazam app on your phone or Google the lyrics.

Need directions? What do you do?

Hit up MapQuest for turn-by-turn directions.

Why am I going into all this?

Because for all the advances that are taking place in technology, I still hear people say “why do I need this or that” and it drives me absolutely bonkers!

I was in Miami for a few days, and I came across (yet another) brand, a hotel, without a mobile website, app or any form of social media.

When I started talking about all the reasons why they should have any one (or all three) of these things, they pashawed me like I was talking gobbledygook.

They went on and on about how their demographic used computers.

Wouldn’t use mobile phones to make reservations.

Weren’t on Twitter or Facebook.

And have no need for an app.

Despite my eloquent arguments to the contrary, they gave no ground.

It was only when I showed them the mobile site of one of their competitors that the lightbulb went off, and they finally understood what I was talking about.

But it shouldn’t be this way!

How is the digital world growing, changing and advancing by leaps and bounds, but folks are missing it wholesale?

Sure, traditional ways of doing things still work.

Want to advertise a sale at your store? You could take an ad out in the paper.

Or place an ad online.

If anyone sees either, they’ll know that you’re having a sale.

The one who sees it in print will have to get in their car, drive to the store and then check out what’s for sale.

The one who sees it online can go right to your site and check out what you’ve got for sale, right then and there.

If they’re on a mobile device they can browse and buy on the go.

The difference between the two are night and day.

Know ye this: I’m on a mission.

To bring analog cave-dwellers to the digital light.

It’s going to be a long road.

But I’m ready for the challenge.

Analog heathen beware!

Facebook changes (again). But this time it’s not horrible.

Here we go again.

Facebook is (once again) changing it’s homescreen.

Over the past few days, you might have heard chatter on the interweb about Facebook’s new UI (user interface).

One day soon, the Facebook you know will be no more.

Soon billions of Facebook users will be forced to (once again) re-learn how to use it.

To be fair, Facebook let us use decipher Timeline for a hot minute now.

So I guess we shouldn’t complain.

Or be surprised that (once again) the look, feel and navigation of the Facebook homepage is entirely different from what it was yesterday.

Or the day before that.

Or the day before that.

If you haven’t seen if yet, here’s a snapshot with a hyperlink to the Facebook newsfeed page, where you can see it in living color (before the switch).

The new and improved Facebook?

To their credit…

Am I actually giving someone credit?

Facebook isn’t just ramming this change down it’s users’ butts throats desktops.

You’ve actually got to sign up to be added to their waiting list.

Perhaps they’ve learned that angry hoards of users with pitchforks and flaming torches isn’t a good thing.

Whatever the case, there is something more fundamental to Facebook’s latest planned switcharoo.

Money.

Sure, they’re pitching it as a way to see your friends’ stories presented in a cleaner more streamlined fashion.

Whatev!

It’s more about giving advertisers more real estate to hawk their wares.

I’m sure you’ve already noticed the sponsored stories from Classmates or Knitting Fever (or whomever) pop up in your news feed.

You know you didn’t like Romney for President, so WTF is this crap doing in your feed?

Facebook’s big fat greedy corporate money grubbing, that’s what.

This redesign is going to allow Facebook to leverage it’s billion plus membership all the way to the bank.

Zuckerberg’s momma didn’t raise no fool.

Again, to their credit…

There I go again! I must be getting soft in my old age.

Facebook put in some work on this redesign.

With the nice dock, cleverly tucked away on the side, the desktop version seems to have adopted the clean look and feel of the app.

I’ve been using the new Facebook app for a minute.

And it’s a pleasure.

It’s UI is clean and unobtrusive.

Unlike the desktop site.

But this redesign seems to have brought the efficiency of the app to the desktop.

I wonder if they’ve got the whole swiping thing down too?

Ya know what I’m talking about right?

If you swipe the screen of the Facebook app on the iPhone, left or right, you reveal the menu or your friends?

Pardon the digression.

Some surmise that Facebook will offer users the choice between switching to the new homepage design or sticking with Timeline.

But I doubt it.

Anywho, if you didn’t know this change was coming, now you know.

So don’t be actin’ all indignant when you log in one day, and the Facebook you once knew is no more.

And so it begins. Has Vine become the “in” thing?

A few days ago, I posted about Vine, the social video service launched by Twitter on Thursday.

Vine users can create short, six second videos, which can be published to their Twitter, Facebook and/or Vine profiles.

Well it seems that the world has gone Vine mad in the space of a few short days.

Over the weekend, at least two different sites have popped up, built off of the Vine phenomenon.

The first, Vinepeek, is a real time aggregator of Vine videos.

Vinepeek basically broadcasts an endless stream of these six-second Vine videos.

Since all Vine posts are public, viewers can see videos from everyone in the Vine network.

It’s really buggy, and videos frequently freeze, requiring you to reload the page often.

Another service, Justvined.com, lets viewers watch the last 20 videos on Vine.

The service is very simple, and offers few options beyond watching videos muted or with volume.

This service is buggy too.

If you visit the site from your iPhone, good luck with getting your browser back.

The videos launch automatically, one after the next, in an endless stream of annoyance.

I had to kill Safari to stop the madness.

Despite the limitations of these initial forays, the interweb is literally abuzz with Vine.

Every day new articles pop up about how marketers can use Vine to promote their goods and services, the abuses of Vine (aka Vine porn), and of course, the fallout between Facebook and Twitter over Vine.

Several blogs posts have been devoted to Vine etiquette, the proper way to create Vine videos, and conversely, why Vine signals the end of the world.

But whatever your perspective, Vine has clearly captured the attention of the (media) masses.

Whether Vine will be a flash in the pan or not remains to be seen.

But I suspect that Vine, like Pinterest before it, will develop a massive user community (aka eyeballs) that brands would be remiss to ignore.

One good thing about Vine is that fact this it is a video medium.

And brands can use it more effectively than long form videos, which requires a user sit through the entire thing.

Smart marketers will figure out how to sell folks in six seconds or less.

With the Superbowl coming up, I wonder whether the powers-that-be at Twitter had the foresight to buy up some of that Superbowl ad time.

Outside of the natural buzz they’re getting from the geekorati who are already up on these techie trends, the Superbowl represents an unprecedented opportunity to get Vine in front of the (tech-ignorant) masses.

But I suspect there are already several hundred thousand Vinies? Viners? out there already.

By the way, what is the appropriate verb for making Vine videos? Vining?

I’ll bet you the Crispin Porters of the world are already hard at work coming up with Vine pitches for their brands.

So what do you think?

Is Vine here to stay?

Are you planning to Vine?

The Facebook privacy issue…that wasn’t.

It seems like we barely go a week without hearing about some hack, security breach or online dissemination of private information.

And despite the PR and social media maelstrom that inevitably follows each of these breaches of public trust, the offending corporations never seem to get the message.

It’s even worse with repeat offenders.

Case in point: today TechCrunch reported that Facebook had allegedly released the private messages of certain users, and published that information on users’ timelines.

The released messages apparently spanned the years 2006 through 2009.

Some surmise that what most likely happened is that Facebook (once again) changed their privacy policies, and as a result, those who had not opted out of some draconian setting, found their (once thought private) messages very publicly displayed in their timelines.

Facebook immediately denied that any user’s private conversation had been compromised.

They explained that today was the global rollout of Timeline, and that with the various iterations of Facebook’s UI, conversations that used to occur on folks’ walls (when Facebook was a tighter more closed universe), were now appearing in users’ Timelines.

Despite the fears that were first raised by Facebook users in France, Facebook confirmed that they had never, in fact, released the private conversations of any of it’s users.

I, for one, remain skeptical.

If users’ messages, wall posts, or what have you were always ‘public’ why weren’t they on their respective Timelines before?

And if they were there before, why the brouhaha over them now?

Clearly folks are feeling away about the sudden appearance of content in their accounts that weren’t there before.

They were tucked away in some other non-public, less visible place, making their sudden reappearance unnerving to many.

Facebook needs to stop changing shit on folks so much.

Their constantly changing interface and privacy policies makes it difficult for the average user to keep up with.

Who knows if we’ve seen the end of this issue.

But I know that folks are going to be a lot more careful of what they say (and send) via Facebook from now on!

Ummm FBI…what are you doing with my UDID?

When I first heard about the recent hack of 12 million Apple device UDIDs, I wasn’t too concerned.

I caught a sound bite on Fox 5 News, on my way out the door, so the details were necessarily sketchy.

But hackers hack.

So what?

In my mind, the 12 million hacked UDIDs was a drop in the bucket relative to the total number of Apple devices out there.

I felt my nonchalant attitude was warranted.

But then I learned that these IDs had allegedly been lifted from a FBI laptop that hackers had somehow gained access to.

And then I started to be a little more concerned.

Why is the FBI just leaving laptops with sensitive information laying around?

And why the hell does an FBI laptop have 12 million UDIDs on it?

What legitimate purpose could the FBI possibly have for acquiring the UDIDs in the first place?

And then I learned that it wasn’t just random UDIDs.

The laptop allegedly also contained specific information about the users connected to those device IDs, including their names, email addresses and credit card information.

And now I’m concerned.

My colleagues, in the office, were following the story and passed around the link to the site where you could check to see if you were among the victims of this latest digital security breach.

We joked about how not being on the list didn’t mean that you were any more secure, than if you had been.

All jokes aside – I immediately checked to see if any of my devices were among those compromised.

Luckily they were not.

But despite my relief, I can’t help but be a tad ticked off.

The infamous hacks and blatant privacy policy violations of Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, Chase, et al, can leave no doubt that ‘online security’ is a misnomer.

With this latest gaffe, we’ve learned that even the Feds are in on the chicanery.

And although both the FBI and Apple have denied that any such leak occurred, in light of the frequency with which hacks occur it’s hard to believe either of them.

It seems like every other day, we hear about some major leak of private or secure data.

And if it’s hackers, doing their thing, then so be it.

Hackers serve a legitimate role in keeping these corporations, who have a fiduciary duty to safeguard our information, on their collective j-o-b.

Without hackers exposing the flaws in corporate firewalls and security protocols, our shit would be a whole lot less secure than it is.

On an aside – I’m waiting for September 29th – the day after hackers have threatened to release Romney’s tax returns.

I digress.

This latest incident has exposed a reality that few of us really consider…

That online information is inherently insecure.

Each time you fill out an online form, use your credit card to make a purchase from your mobile phone, or create a digital profile on some site, you compromise your data.

And in this increasingly digital world we live in, this compromise is virtually inescapable.

Of course, most many some a few of us take steps to safeguard our information online.

We use services like 1password to avoid the trap of using common passwords for all of our online accounts.

We change our passwords frequently and don’t share them with anyone.

We do whatever we have to do to avoid having our private info floating around in cyberspace.

At the end of the day, I pray that these cats get their acts together.

And despite the denials, if this hack is real, then Apple and the FBI, you’ve got some splainin’ to do!

I’ve got no Klout? Gimme a break!

I’m like a gangsta without a gun…I’ve got no Klout!

I just created an account on Klout and was appalled to discover that I had an influence rating of 10.

10!

Mind you, the Klout measures influence on a scale from 1 to 100.

So you can imagine my shock to learn that I had the influence of a kumquat.

In my professional self, I regularly discuss influence as measured by services like PeerIndex, Twitalyzer and Klout, as points of reference for how individuals and entities can assess the impact of their social media.

But I hadn’t thought of the type of influencer I was.

I publish a blog for chrissakes!

True. I haven’t published very regularly since April…

And I’ve completely fallen off the wagon on Facebook…

Can’t recall the last time I pushed a flick up on Flickr either…

But of course I have influence!

I’m registered with virtually every social media platform (of significance) under the sun.

When I signed up with Klout, I registered my Facebook, Google+, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, Flickr, WordPress and Instagram accounts.

Even though I’ve got a Blogger and Tumblr account, I left those ones out because I rarely use them (but perhaps I’ll go back in an add those too….hmm).

And every so often, folks comment on my blog posts, retweet my tweets, share my Facebook updates, watch my videos and generally seem to respond to my virtual ramblings.

But clearly not enough for Klout to feel that I have real influence!

Damn you Klout!

Now I’m not really smarting about my dismal Klout rating.

Yes I am.

But it does present a compelling case study for how influential one really is online.

Prior to registering with Klout, I had received numerous requests from friends and associates (via Facebook) to join Klout.

To me, it was yet another app fracturing my attention online, that I would have to show some love.

Unless, it’s one of those truly useful apps, that runs in the background, without you having to log in and actually do anything, and actually provides value, I’m sure it will go the way of many of the social media platforms/applications vying for users/user attention, and fall into obsolescence once the sheen wears off.

But who knows, I may find Klout truly useful and have a change of heart.

I doubt it.

The relationship with Klout has already started off a bit too rocky for my taste…

…an influence rating of 10…

Klout you’ve got some m*tha f*ckin’ nerve!

PS If you’re within the sound of my blog, please throw some K’s on a bruh!

The Road We’ve Traveled (isn’t far enough)

I just watched Obama’s (just shy of) 17 minute video/commercial/short film directed by Academy Award®-winning director Davis Guggenheim on YouTube.

The video, which was posted on BarackObama.com and YouTube yesterday, provides an overview of the past four years of Obama’s presidency.

According to the description on YouTube,

This film gives an inside look at some of the tough calls President Obama made to get our country back on track. Featuring interviews from President Bill Clinton, Mayor Rahm Emanuel, Elizabeth Warren, David Axelrod, Austan Goolsbee, and more. It’s a film everyone should see.

Here’s the video.

Whether you’re a fan of Obama or not, the video makes a persuasive case that President Obama brought us back from the brink of disaster.

I’m certain that few would doubt that former President Bush left the country is a bad way.

The video uses the condition of the country as the starting point for making the case for Obama’s success.

But despite the eloquent narration of Tom Hanks, will this video really have the desired impact?

The Washington Post provided an insightful review of the video and it’s intended purpose.

How many people are going to view this video and come away with the desired impression of Obama?

Will people see this video as a summary of success or pure propaganda?

Regardless, it’s clear that Obama’s re-election efforts will have to confront a more basic issue (again) in 2012.

Race.

Trolling Facebook yesterday, I came across the following bumper stickers:

Really?

Re-Nig? Wow. I. Am. Speechless.

Will the video be able to put a dent in the attitudes and opinions of folks creating propaganda like this?

I doubt it.

No matter how well the Obama campaign casts the past four years, some folks just don’t give a damn.

For them the issue is as simple as black and white.

Despite all that Obama has done, what’s clear is that the road we’ve traveled isn’t far enough.

Enough with the Acronyms! Plain English please.

Enough with the jargon. Plain English please!

The other day while giving a presentation, the client asked, “what does RAID mean?“

We had been talking about servers, storage and protocols for preserving and backing up data – not roach spray.

And RAID had been introduced because it would continue to function even if one of the drives were damaged or inoperable.

Eventually, we explained that RAID was an acronym, which stood for “redundant array of independent disks.”

It’s a form of storage technology that combines several drives into a single unit, making it robust and reliable (and relatively inexpensive as servers go).

Reflecting on that meeting, I was struck by the frequency with which we tech types use acronyms as if they were common parlance.

The reality is that there is so much alphabet soup out there, that it’s difficult for techies to keep up, much less lay folk.

So today’s class will focus on defining some of these acronyms, and building your technical lexicon.

I’m sure you’re familiar with SMS (short messaging service), MMS (multimedia messaging service), DRM (digital rights management), CPM (cost per thousand impressions), yada yada.

Here are four terms you may not know, but should.

LBS – location based services.

Tech speak: LBS is an information or entertainment service, accessible with mobile devices through a mobile network which uses information on the geographical position of the device. We are the Borg. You will be assimilated.

The Borg can use LBS to find you.

Plain English: LBS is a system which lets you send and receive information from your mobile phone, based on where you happen to be at the moment. Common uses of LBS include finding the nearest ATM machine (BoA), tracking a package (Fedex) or locating a specific destination (Google Maps).

NFC – near field communication.

Tech speak: NFC is a set of standards for smartphones and similar devices to establish radio communication with each other by touching them together or bringing them into close proximity.

Plain English: NFC is technology that makes life easier and more convenient for people by allow them to make transactions, exchange digital content, and connect to electronic devices with a touch. Common uses of NFC include opening a car with your phone (ZipCar) or exchanging contact information (Bump).

API – application programming interface.

Tech speak: API is a source code-based specification intended to be used as an interface by software components to communicate with each other.

Plain English: An API is a way of putting data into and getting data out of a system, without having to manually type that data in yourself. APIs are simple tools developers create to help other developers make the most effective and efficient use of their code. Many mobile apps out today employ APIs which let you register or log in using your Facebook or Twitter credentials.

GUI – graphical user interface.

Tech speak: GUI is a type of user interface that allows users to interact with electronic devices with images rather than text commands.

Plain English: A GUI makes it easier for people to learn, use and implement, through the use of icons, graphics, and menus. Think Apple.

So the next time you hear a techie waxing eloquently in technical jargon, you no longer have to nod your head knowingly (while totally ignorant to what’s actually being said).

You can jump in that convo and throw a few around your damn self!

When Good Apps Go Bad (aka Bump You’re Obsolete)

Does anyone bump anymore?

Remember Bump?

Bump was the app that let you literally ‘bump’ your iPhone with another user to exchange contact info.

When it first came out, I thought it was the most ingenious app ever!

So, of course, I downloaded the app, and was ready to bump with all comers!

Whenever someone asked me for my contact info, I pulled out my phone and asked if the person wanted to bump.

I would push my phone furtively at them, grunting ‘bump, bump’ incessantly.

Usually, all I got back were quizzical stares.

I guess I was one of the very few who actually got bump, because I wasn’t really bumping with anyone.

Whenever I was in a position to use bump to exchange info, the other person didn’t have Bump.

The few that had it, didn’t know how to use it.

The ones that had it installed, didn’t have their contact set up and thusly, couldn’t bump with me.

After a few (too many) instances of bump fails, I just stopped using it.

It was too frustrating.

How many times would it take for me to realize that Bump just wasn’t that joint?

I don’t think I’ve used it in over a year.

I haven’t been asked by anyone to ‘bump’ in even longer.

But for some reason, I’ve still got it on my deck.

So I opened it up today, to see what (if anything) I’ve been missing

Apparently, you can use Bump to share pictures and music too.

You can connect with Facebook, Twitter or Linkedin now as well.

And there is a messenger function, that lets you message other Bump users remotely.

I did a Google search for Bump recently, and they’ve also got an Android version of the app.

The new Bump logo.

Does anyone even bump anymore?

There are a heck of a lot of ratings in the iTunes store (over 300,000), but are folks really using Bump like that?

I doubt it.

But hey, what do I know?

Do you have an app that you were once ga-ga over, thanthat now, you treat like a hump-backed stepchild and you don’t even look at?